Fear. One tiny little word with HUGE implications. When we give into this one emotion, we can inadvertently miss out on so much in our lives.
Have you ever lost out on an opportunity because you allowed fear to creep in and cause self-doubt?
Many people have fear because they “just want it to be perfect,” it being a relationship, a business, a project, your body, whatever other scenario that may apply. In life, nothing is really ever perfect! It’s our ability to accept this idea and press onwards despite the fact we know there will be annoyances and letdowns in our relationships, mistakes in our work lives, and that “accidental” indulgence in Aunt Ima’s cookies because dammit, they are just so good!
Before making a big decision I encourage you to ask yourself the question, is this a decision that I’m basing out of confidence…or FEAR? If the answer is fear, then further exploration of root cause must occur.
Real life check in: You absolutely cannot stand your current place of employment and constantly check the Indeed website until you’ve memorized the postings yet feel paralyzed in whether or not you should take the next move. Now is the time to ask yourself what the hold up is.
Make lists on what your biggest fears are in applying for a new position and or leaving your current place of employment. You can easily apply the list making technique to leaving a relationship, starting a relationship, going to the gym, etc. Organize in your mind (and on paper!) what those fears are, be very honest with yourself.
If you come to the conclusion that you are basing a decision off of fear or self-doubt, ask yourself what is causing you to doubt yourself, because ultimately when we choose to allow a great opportunity to pass us by, the common denominator in the equation is well.. us.
What could be going on with you deep down in your core that is causing self-doubt to creep in?
Could it be worry of not being good enough? Worry that you will fail? Or is the fear a result of negative messages or lack of affirmation you received while growing up? When we do not receive positive validation of self and unconditional love while growing up, our ability to realize these things for ourselves can be a bit stunted. The task of affirming self becomes our own responsibility which is absolutely possible, but may feel a bit foreign!
To affirm yourself and start the process of ridding yourself of self-doubt and fear-based decisions:
Take your thinking a step deeper. Examine your self-talk. Are you prone to having negative, self-defeating thoughts? Did you receive negative messages from caretakers when you were young? Did you just not receive validation or affirmation at all and now you are lacking your own ability to self-sooth and validate yourself?
Consider your achievements in life thus far despite your past negative experiences. Did your family tell you you would never amount to much? Did a past relationship cause you to question your ability to love and feel valuable?
If the answer is yes to these questions, then you, dear one, are in need of a thought makeover! The first step in any change however, is recognition. So the next time you go to make a decision, pay attention to your thoughts. Practice replacing negative thoughts with more realistic thoughts.
For example, you reallllly want to give things a try with what seems to be a very eligible bachelor, but deep down you feel fear shrouded in self-doubt. Wondering things like “what if he finds out who I truly am? He’s such a catch and I’m only_______(insert ugly thought) or I really am horrible at ________(insert other ugly thought”. Replace those negative, ugly self-deprecating thoughts with ones that are either downright positive or if you feel like you’re not ready for that, thoughts that are more realistic.
Find one aspect of you that you truly hold dear. Find that ONE thing about yourself, your appearance, your overall being that you may not love, but you feel blessed to have. It is okay to view yourself positively and recognize what you bring to the world.
Start your journey of self-love and release of fear slowly. Acknowledgement of self-deprecating thoughts is typically the first step, then comes the ability to begin to change them!
Life is not perfect. And that is completely okay! Your journey may look different than other people’s, however, it is unique to you. Practice self-care, buy the candle, get the haircut, do one small thing that makes you feel good. Build upon these experiences of realizing you ARE worthy of happiness and watch how your tolerance for the negative in your life begins change.
Encouraging you to be the happiest version of yourself today and everyday,
Humanitas Counseling and Consulting, LLC
816 Greenbrier Circle, Suite 209
Chesapeake, VA 23320